Most Honest Viper Craigslist Ad Ever

"Milky" (jordanmielke)
06/29/2016 at 09:53 • Filed to: Viper, Craigslist, SRT10, Dodge, Viper SRT, Funny ad

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Okay. Full disclosure. I almost killed myself in it.

It is VERY powerful. Extremely, EXTREMELY fast.

I’ve driven Ferrari’s that don’t feel as crazy as this thing. I am frankly afraid of it now.
That’s right. It’s in my garage and I’m afraid to drive it because it’s like a crazy steroid bull that wants to kill me.
I’ve done 130 mph on a Ducati while laughing into the face of death. The viper is a completely different bowl of crack. The engine sounds like 40 pit bulls eating kittens while lifting weights.
I cannot truly explain it’s power. It has whiplash acceleration in 3rd gear at 50mph. That sentence doesn’t even make sense. But it’s true.
That’s why I’m telling you. I will not have your soul on my conscience.
You need to know what you are getting into. What insane level of crazy you are buying.
Can you resist the urge to mash down the accelerator? Can you? Because it’s like owning your own demon. A demon that wants to kill you. We all know one person that for the right amount of money would kill you. But since no one is paying, they smile in your face and go about their day.
It’s like that except the Viper doesn’t bother to ever pretend it doesn’t want to kill you.
And it will do it for free.

Some brilliant engineer designed a beautiful sexy bulging body, fantastic suspension, great handling, aerodynamics, and all American style. While he was out on his lunch break, some demented maniac dropped 100 times more engine power than necessary into it and sent it out the door. It’s mentally unbalanced.

Look,
If you are the type of person that can be talked into having one more drink at midnight when you have a very important presentation or interview early the next morning, then the Viper is not for you.

The whole car is constantly whispering sweet lies to you.
“You got this”.
“Open me up and ride free, you got this”
“What are you a pussy?”
“Just do it”, “Do it”, “you got this”.

Do not do it. You don’t got it. You ARE in fact a pussy. And as we all know, pussy is mad good. But not that good.
You will sit on the curb and settle your heart after it tries to kill you the first time.
You will get back inside and it will immediately get back to the business of trying to get you to let it murder you.
“You got this. This time you know. That last time was just a fluke. You ain’t no pussy”.

Repeat after me.
You
Don’t
Got
This.

But for $30k you can look the devil in the eye and take this ride.

You were warned.

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

DISCUSSION (100)

MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner > Milky
06/29/2016 at 09:59

That was amazing

I hope this gets FP’ed

S65 > Milky
06/29/2016 at 10:01

That was amazing

Clemsie McKenzie > Milky
06/29/2016 at 10:02

One of the best ads I’ve ever read!

Also very tempting. Although I’d rather have a GTS. And also here in France I’d be sent to prison long before having the opportunity to kill myself in it.

BigBlock440 > Milky
06/29/2016 at 10:05

Wow, that black and tan is bad, mostly the steering wheel. But I wouldn’t care, I’d still drive it.

functionoverfashion > Milky
06/29/2016 at 10:07

Saw this once already this morning. Amazing ad.

Milky > BigBlock440
06/29/2016 at 10:09

I mean its interior is bad no what color it is. But like you, I’d still drive it.

Milky > Clemsie McKenzie
06/29/2016 at 10:11

But you have better roads to goto prison from driving on.

TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts. > Milky
06/29/2016 at 10:11

Just do it, you’ll be fine. What’s the worst that can happen?

Shift24 > Milky
06/29/2016 at 10:12

Just curious is 30k reasonable for these? I mean 11k on the clock and one of the more desirable viper bodies, have they just not bounced back yet? I was expecting 50k at least.

The Crazy Kanuck; RIP Oppositelock > Shift24
06/29/2016 at 10:15

Yup, 30k seems to be avg price for early vipers. I think they have hit the bottom of the depreciation curve.

Clemsie McKenzie > Milky
06/29/2016 at 10:18

Fair point. Though I wouldn’t want to get a Viper on most backroads here, I’d get in a tree before the first oil change.

R Saldana [|Oo|======|oO|] - BTC/ETH/LTC Prophet > BigBlock440
06/29/2016 at 10:21

...I like that color in the interior....

Flyboy is FAA certified insane > Milky
06/29/2016 at 10:24

These are becoming dangerously affordable.

Milky > Shift24
06/29/2016 at 10:28

I looked a week or two ago at Vipers just to see and the cheapest one was $24k. This one has low miles, but also a rebuilt title. So the price seems right.

Milky > TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts.
06/29/2016 at 10:29

I think his first sentence brings up the worst thing that could happen.

TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts. > Milky
06/29/2016 at 10:31

Don’t be a pussy, you got dis.

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > Milky
06/29/2016 at 10:31

I know someone with one of these. I have yet to even think about asking for a drive. I know I’d bin it.

BigBlock440 > R Saldana [|Oo|======|oO|] - BTC/ETH/LTC Prophet
06/29/2016 at 10:34

I just think they don’t go well together, especially the steering wheel. It would probably look fine if it was an all black wheel.

cazzyodo > Milky
06/29/2016 at 10:42

Shit...I feel like a little kid now. Someone telling me NOT to do something is making me want to go do it even more.

Milky > TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts.
06/29/2016 at 10:43

I
Don’t
Got
This.

TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts. > Milky
06/29/2016 at 10:51

Well not with that attitude...

TractorPillow > Shift24
06/29/2016 at 11:09

I just sold mine with 46k miles on it for $36,500.

TractorPillow > Milky
06/29/2016 at 11:14

There is definitely truth in the constant whispering. I endeavored to tame a 02 GTS by putting 10k miles on it in a year, but the whispers never stopped. The funny thing is, the faster you drive, the safer and more in control you feel. When you drive normally, the wide tires float around on the road over every crack and surface change. Push it hard and it rewards you with control like you wouldn’t expect.

TractorPillow > BigBlock440
06/29/2016 at 11:18

Looks way better in person, the picture really highlights the odd contrast.

My bird IS the word > Milky
06/29/2016 at 11:19

It's a good thing he didn't buy a more recent model or he would be one dead mother.

Shift24 > The Crazy Kanuck; RIP Oppositelock
06/29/2016 at 11:35

I thought the Phase II were worth more due to Le-mans and Hennessey nostalgia.

Milky > TractorPillow
06/29/2016 at 11:46

IIRC Matt Farah said pretty much the same thing about the new one. Its really good when you push it, and sucks when you don’t.

Still sad the Viper is going away, I cant get one now. But someday I will.

Sneaky Pete > Milky
06/29/2016 at 11:57

Sweet post.

http://oppositelock.kinja.com/youve-got-this…

Sneaky Pete > Shift24
06/29/2016 at 12:00

For an RT10 with a rebuild title, it’s high. I’d say it’s worth more around 24-25. Values have been coming up a bit recently though.

MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner > Milky
06/29/2016 at 12:07

Rebuilt title?

someone listened to the whispers.

PotbellyJoe and 42 others > Milky
06/29/2016 at 12:08

Kinja'd!!!

I was lucky enough to get behind the wheel of an GTS ACR (silver over Black like the one above) as a 22-year-old and live.

Given more seat time there might have been a different outcome.

Fast is only part of the story. The tires grab whatever they can because they are the size of water buffalo and they are on streets built 40 years ago that have been progressively patched over those decades to keep from ripping every car apart. So Traction is, well, interesting.

I was “careful” in that I only applied the on-off-button gas pedal when all four wheels were pointed in the same direction. Even then, thanks to the previously mentioned infrastructural challenges, it would get squirrelly.

I went through a left turn from a light in 2nd, straightened the car (onto a 55 mph road) and goosed it. After grabbing fourth, I could finally pull my head off of the seat and look down at the speedo, triple digits.

They are monsters and should be respected as such.

Milky > Sneaky Pete
06/29/2016 at 12:09

Damn ... I was sleeping!

Milky > MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner
06/29/2016 at 12:10

Since he “almost” crashed, it must have been the previous owner.

Sneaky Pete > Milky
06/29/2016 at 12:11

Apparently everyone was (except me) haha

Zer0 sometimes clicks on things > TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts.
06/29/2016 at 12:16

I love using this to respond to self-negative comments people make. They usually don’t get it.

sm70- why not Duesenberg? > Milky
06/29/2016 at 12:25

Some jerk flagged it :/

Vicente Esteve > Milky
06/29/2016 at 12:54

The color combo is excellent.

RallyWrench > Milky
06/29/2016 at 12:58

Reminds me of this

“You take this car, and you give it to Steve McQueen”

Milky > sm70- why not Duesenberg?
06/29/2016 at 13:06

Making the rounds on social media, too bad.

Milky > RallyWrench
06/29/2016 at 13:20

I’ve heard it before, but its always worth a listen through. Good story.

MoparMap > Milky
06/29/2016 at 14:11

I love this so much, though they really aren’t quite as scary as people make them out to be if you have any sense when driving. I daily drive my 04 and it drives like a normal car if you drive it like a normal car. Most people just aren’t used to so much torque so low in the powerband. Matting the gas around a corner is a stupid idea in just about any car, the Viper just has quicker results for your actions.

Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo > Milky
06/29/2016 at 14:53

Oppo = Social Media?

Kinja'd!!!

Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo > Milky
06/29/2016 at 14:54

Kinja'd!!!

Milky > Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo
06/29/2016 at 16:13

I stole it from a facebook group :/

Milky > Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo
06/29/2016 at 16:13

Me if I ever drive a Viper.

Wrong Wheel Drive (41%) > Milky
06/29/2016 at 19:05

113

Wow this ad works on me. I now want, no, NEED a viper in my life. I want a lotus and a viper. That would be the perfect garage. Plus a Miata so I can get groceries and arrive to work alive.

Wrong Wheel Drive (41%) > PotbellyJoe and 42 others
06/29/2016 at 19:12

I really want to try to autocross one. I'm just thinking about how terribly awesome it would be

Milky > Wrong Wheel Drive (41%)
06/29/2016 at 22:07

That is the fucking dream man, the fucking dream.

I want an Elise and viper so bad, but am going s2k in the meantime to get out of my unreliable car.

Nauraushaun > Milky
06/29/2016 at 23:14

great handling

what

rostrow416 > Milky
06/29/2016 at 23:25

This makes me want.....no need......this car. Like now.

TractorPillow > Wrong Wheel Drive (41%)
06/30/2016 at 06:50

just do it! you can’t really lose much money on it, trust me

Quade > BigBlock440
06/30/2016 at 07:02

I hate the wheels but the color scheme is a strong second. The Ad makes me want one. Makes me think I can use it to fund my retirement as long as I don’t hit a tree with it. I just don’t think I want this one.

ChrisMackin > Wrong Wheel Drive (41%)
06/30/2016 at 07:02

“Plus a Miata so I can get groceries and arrive to work alive.”

Maybe talk your husband into getting himself the Viper?!

thegregorius > Milky
06/30/2016 at 07:05

I don’t know. The most common negative stereotype about the Viper is that it’s a tool for compensating for tiny genitalia. Trying to sell it by hammering in how “powerful and manly” it is, and how you’re really not “man enough to drive this beast” just solidifies the seller and any buyer as being true to this stereotype.

Yes, I’m well aware that there’s a fair bit of irony present in this ad, I’m just saying that it highlights the negatives of this car (owned by insecure and impotent people who cannot read or write) instead of focusing on things that are actually positive (American icon, boyhood dream, racing heritage, etc.)

The_Iron_Goat > Milky
06/30/2016 at 07:06

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

Um... somebody loan me $30,000 plz?

Twonius > Milky
06/30/2016 at 07:07

Take the air box cover off on the s2k sometime. The induction noise is fantastic

Pecan > RallyWrench
06/30/2016 at 07:10

Like raping women? I didn’t draw that from the article at all.

Klaa > Milky
06/30/2016 at 07:19

The car is whispering to you... Dooo it!

Because Racecar > RallyWrench
06/30/2016 at 07:23

I only got through half of the video before I passed out

toecutter (so grey, I gotta wear shades) > Milky
06/30/2016 at 07:47

You had me at, “... almost killed myself ...”

Jaqen H'ghar > Milky
06/30/2016 at 07:57

ctually driving a Viper was on my bucket list from the time I was a kid and when I ended up selling cars (something I swore I’d never do lol) we ended up getting one. It is one of the few cars that actually lives up to the hype. Most surprising thing to me is that you would imagine with that engine and as few amenities that is has even for the 90's that it would be loud, rumbly, and fall apart on every bump. That’s not the case those things are smooth and almost too quiet (unless your standing behind it).

I am in no way way a Chrysler man, in fact I tell people to avoid them but that car is one of the best cars ever made. Here is the pic of the one I drove only had under 30k miles on it I believe:

Kinja'd!!!

Zoom-at-Work > Milky
06/30/2016 at 07:58

That ten is like no other motor. It didn’t rev - didn’t need to. Started pulling hard at about 1600 rpms.

And Castaing, Dodge’s engineering Chief back in the day stated pushing the Viper’s chassis was akin to balancing a grape on a knife-edge.

I spun the dealership’s out, a Viper with 34 miles on it, a $60,000 Dodge in a sea of $15,000 Dodges. Thank God I didn’t curb it. I did sit in the grass for a few minutes trying to figure out what happened.

Very much fun, yes?

damnthisburnershitsux > Wrong Wheel Drive (41%)
06/30/2016 at 08:09

this add worked on me too, I was like, “hmm, $30k seems cheap for this level of sexy side-piped performance, surely I can keep myself in line better than this guy did, and incidentally I am the guy who can be talked into another drink at 4am when I have to get up at 6am... because I’m just able to do it, cause I’ve got this...”

somewhere the viper is whispering yelling in my ear like Shia Labeouf on endless loop

Kinja'd!!!

Roycehellion > Milky
06/30/2016 at 08:12

Thats a gorgeous option too, you make it sounds like your going used accord. Id kill for an s2k, but my eclipse gets me around until i have some real money to throw around.

Ryan Stewart > Milky
06/30/2016 at 08:13

My experience driving those early gens was they tramlined like a mother.

damnthisburnershitsux > Because Racecar
06/30/2016 at 08:13

I know I had a drink with Bill once and my head went all bippity bop and then my knees went jiggly blop and that’s all I remember before waking up sore the next day.

Kinja'd!!!

Gonemad > Milky
06/30/2016 at 08:16

Daemon.

daemon 1

Pronunciation: /dimn/

(also daimon)

NOUN

1(In ancient Greek belief) a divinity or supernatural being of a nature between gods and humans.

Another definition in dictionary:

daemon (dimn) or daimon

1. (Classical Myth & Legend) a demigod

2. the guardian spirit of a place or person

3. a variant spelling of demon

So, it is not necessarily evil. It just has supernatural origins. And it’s your guardian spirit. It does what you tell him to. It is only evil if you are.

TheLegalitiesOfEatingYouAreQuiteABitDicier (aka Kanye WestWing) > Milky
06/30/2016 at 08:18

What. A. Dick.

TadBravo > Wrong Wheel Drive (41%)
06/30/2016 at 08:18

A Jeep GC will kill you just the same and it’s more practical.

Too soon?

tracertloopback > Milky
06/30/2016 at 08:22

Post is flagged for removal on Craigslist. Maybe because he used the word pussy too many times?

6Stringtheory > Milky
06/30/2016 at 08:23

Plus, you can actually fit quite a bit of groceries in the trunk of the s2k and drive it for the typical Honda mileage without a hiccup other than a little pricey clutch change now and then.

Powermoose1 > Milky
06/30/2016 at 08:29

Telling me I can’t handle it just makes me want it more...bravo sir...now if you’ll excuse me...I have to go pawn all my things

Anastrace > Milky
06/30/2016 at 08:30

God damn, that ad is amazing. Hell I’d probably buy a pinto with that kind of ad spiel. :)

fritzo > Milky
06/30/2016 at 08:37

The reason that model of Viper is so terrifying to drive is Chrysler SUCKS at weight distribution and suspension systems. The car is front heavy, and the suspension can’t keep the rear wheels glued to the ground, so you get a “floaty” sensation when driving at speed. IMO that car is just as downright dangerous as the original AC Cobra.

Please Go Buck a Fuffalo. No, I insist. > Milky
06/30/2016 at 08:39

Went to the Criagslist ad and it was pulled and flagged. ‘Merica can’t handle the word pussy. C’mon people!

The Chalz > Milky
06/30/2016 at 08:43

No, the ad says “I almost killed myself in it.” That could have been a survivable crash.

ShiftKnob28 > Milky
06/30/2016 at 08:50

I’m hooked.

Hopesinker > Wrong Wheel Drive (41%)
06/30/2016 at 08:50

“So I can get groceries and arrive to work alive” made my morning lol

Xedicon > Milky
06/30/2016 at 08:51

I have driven a genII GTS can confirm.

It. Is. Batshit. Insane.

I prefer not to talk about the rest of the things she made me do.

99GTS > Sneaky Pete
06/30/2016 at 08:52

Yep this is what I paid for my GTS, no way would I pay that for a RT10.

99GTS > Milky
06/30/2016 at 08:53

He is asking too much, that is what I paid for my GTS. And yes it will try to kill you.

Milky > Nauraushaun
06/30/2016 at 08:54

Great handling .... until it looses grip and throws you off the road.

Archaeyopterix Majorus > damnthisburnershitsux
06/30/2016 at 08:55

LOL what was even the original context for this? I’ve seen it so many times in so many different gifs...

AFWhigs > Milky
06/30/2016 at 08:56

Oh come on, you’ll never know until you try! Whatever kills you makes you stronger!

I may have that second one a bit mixed up.

TrannyAmmy > Milky
06/30/2016 at 09:00

I had an ‘05 Mustang GT for all of 20 months before I rid myself of it for attempted murder. I imagine this would be fun for a couple days before I ended up in the morgue. I always thought the Viper was the perfect anniversary gift to the woman who you care not for more anniversaries with...

Ian McDowell > Milky
06/30/2016 at 09:00

oh another sports car with an arrogant douchey ad. How clever

Chally72 > Milky
06/30/2016 at 09:00

loses*

Milky > Jaqen H'ghar
06/30/2016 at 09:04

I’ve wanted one/to drive one since I was a kid too .... only I haven’t. So consider me jealous.

rhobere > Clemsie McKenzie
06/30/2016 at 09:08

500hp in a car with a wheelbase shorter than a z3 is enough to ensure the police never have a chance to keep you from killing yourself.

Richard DeCredico > Jaqen H'ghar
06/30/2016 at 09:15

Bullshit.

Camerops > Milky
06/30/2016 at 09:15

Uh, it can pull 0.96G. It has super amounts of grip. All cars lose grip when you hit a bump and leave the road surface in a turn. If you think the Viper has bad handling, what are you comparing it to that’s got similar power?

You think the Viper has bad handling, drive a Countach some time and tell me that thing isn’t the most beautiful, janky piece of crap ever built.

LugNutz > Milky
06/30/2016 at 09:17

A good representation of Viper owners is something like “This one is just a mild everyday driver, so not much more than 1400whp.”

damnthisburnershitsux > Archaeyopterix Majorus
06/30/2016 at 09:17

http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/shia-lab…

Milky > Twonius
06/30/2016 at 09:17

So I’ve been told, cant even imagine how good one ITB’s would sound in real life.

MrMcQueen21v2 > Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo
06/30/2016 at 09:20

Hadn’t seen that one before. Got me laughing in my office this morning.

MrMcQueen21v2 > Jaqen H'ghar
06/30/2016 at 09:21

How’s the room inside? As a taller guy at 6'4-6'5, any chance of getting behind the wheel?

fredgiblet > Milky
06/30/2016 at 09:22

Someday...someday I will get to own a Viper.

Christopher Winslow > Milky
06/30/2016 at 09:22

Couldn’t that be said for just about every car out there...the only difference here is where the car loses it.

Nauraushaun > Milky
06/30/2016 at 09:22

I think it’s more like terrible handling until it throws you off the road.

Christopher Winslow > Wrong Wheel Drive (41%)
06/30/2016 at 09:23

I wanted a Lotus too, then I realized there is not enough PAM in the world to get me in and out of that tiny tiny cabin.